WHO SMILES FAKE?
i propose a death of sunny daytime meaningless hugs
when they feel so good for the second
  or two
and i go to bed without sleep, thinking of your arms
wrapped around me so lovablelike children’s television
making me suck in all the air in my tiny room
humming songs to keep from explosion-moments
due to you and your engine of feelings.
The hopeless feeling i get when i stand
two-legs-tall on the backyard of my life
wondering about the missing persons list
of Lovers I Quit
making me exhume my old Money-drunk-as-hell Face
smiling.
Hands and feet trapped on the earth
i so dearly care little about
with so much of me
just hoping my sands and dusts
give way
build up
to paralyzing forgiving tears
from my eyes that miss your smiling faces
all the time made up of pastwishesfailed
twisted
like the metal
not repaired
of my front-yard-face
giving nothing like the real.
Nothing.

No one but me in the darkness
no one but me and my friends
sold to the appeal
giving funds
to the way of life
of alone and yesterday thinking
like snows from last winter
fallen
sticking
stuck
staying
done.
Harness is the word you used
in your head
in my made up situation
of you being good to me
and me making it bad
which i do well
like the weeds and the pebbles
all over the You and the Me
alone and Away.
Stand in my sight
my eyes on the backend of tomorrow
my hands on your hips
your hands on my face
your lips to my ear
my thoughts to my self
my hand on a drink
your hand on a hope
hope you should give up
on.
someday…
sometime
the ears of the  Everything
giving you Power
will win me back
and in
lover-style
locked in
colorblind
loverblind.

my time well spent
like the going and coming writers
pretending and knowing my woes
like papers in the rain
soaked and bleeding
ink and black
like the painted sky of my nightmare i don’t have
how could they
know?
the walls and floors
shore to shore
the same i’ve been to
for a life
twenty three years of…whatever
just left with pain in my stomach
and my chest
the absence of beating and drumming
filling me with midnight black feelings
that i’ll just use to put you off
no matter your tries
no matter your fronts
i’m the falling in
the sinking down
“oh no’s”
and “why’s”
all written in my book
of me
of this
of That.

  i can’t think of words that describe my life better right now….